Once upon a time a small boy and girl who were building a sand castle on the beach. They spent hours building towers, walls, and a moat. As they built the castle, the tide kept creeping slowly closer. Finally, after they had worked for most of the morning, a big wave came in and wiped it all away.
An adult who was watching all this felt sorry for the children because of all the work they had put into building the castle. But he was surprised to see the children hold hands and run together laughing down the beach.
The adult then realized that although it is fun building empires, the lasting fun is having friends with whom you can continue to laugh and be with, even after all that you have spent your life building has washed away.
The Poison in All Relationships
Not only are relationships the key to building your network marketing business, they are a key to a fulfilling life.
But there is a very self-destructive thought process or paradigm that often gets in the way of relationships, both professional and personal. This process is the biggest reason for turnover in network marketing. It ruins communication and teamwork. It costs businesses millions of dollars. It is the root of all divorce. It causes loneliness and will even create physical illness in the body of the person who thinks this way. It is like drinking poison. And yet, the odds are you do it every day. Whether or not you are aware of it, it's costing you lots of money!
Reducing this thought process in your life and in your network marketing business will pay you big dividends. I call this thought process, "The Three R's."
Resentment - Resistance - Revenge
Resentment = Any emotional reaction we view as negative to what we think was said or done.
Resistance = Cutting off communication or pulling up a wall.
Revenge = The attempt to get even.
Some emotions that would fit the definition of resentment include anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy, hate. Your spouse squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle and you get irritated. You travel a long way to do a home presentation, and very few of the guests that were promised are actually present. You put your all into a distributor to develop him -- and then he quits the business. Someone exaggerates a claim to you. The home office isn't responsive to one of your concerns.
Resentment is a natural part of life. Life is full of situations where we experience resentment. I say this because some people believe resentment is inherently bad. Resentment is not bad, it's simply a fact of life. There is no network marketing company you can be a part of and not experience resentment. If you think it is bad, you suppress it and then get mad because you are mad! You are then in an endless cycle -- a computer loop.
Since resentment is inevitable, here is the real question: "How are you going to handle resentment?" There are ways that work for you and ways that work against you. It could be the day that turns your life around to the positive. Or it could be the day that destroys you by moving into the second R: resistance.
There are many ways we resist. Our upline doesn't return a call or support us the way we feel they should and we get angry (first R). We stop talking to them. The not talking is resistance. We have cut off communication. We are now paying a price for our resentment.
Not talking is not the only way to resist. When a person stays in procrastination or confusion, he is in resistance. When we get "right" about our viewpoint and won't listen to our upline, our lack of openness is resistance.
Make a list of the ways you resist. What are you resisting about your networking business? Who are you resisting? In effect, you are resisting in order to be in control.
Here begins a fundamental problem in our belief systems, or how we see reality. In live seminars, I do an exercise where I have one participant sit in a chair put up his hands. Then I push on his hands. Almost always, he will push back -- and nearly fall over backwards.
Take note of two important things. Number one: people push back. Why? Because they want to feel in control. Most people have a program, a voice in their head, that says, "If someone pushes on you, you must push back to survive." The person on the chair instantly pushes back "to survive." The problem is, he doesn't survive, he falls backwards (and one of our people catches him).
Thus, critical point number two: your belief is false! Incorrect! You think it's necessary to push back to survive and not be taken advantage of. But what happens in the chair demonstration? The person pushing back lost control! He will fall over backwards if he keeps resisting. When you resist, you lose control. Why do our children get us mad? Because that way, they get control! When you have an argument with small children, how are they five minutes later? Fine. How are you five hours later? Steam still coming out your ears? Why? Because you are resisting reality. A little voice inside you is saying, "It shouldn't be this way." But it is. That's reality.
What you resist, persists. Let me say that again.
What you resist, persists. It prolongs what you don't want.
What are you resisting about your network marketing business? Prospecting, perhaps, or follow-up? Dealing with difficult people? Or maybe technology advances that you don't understand? Who are you resisting? What prices are you and others paying for your resistance?
People never change until they see that the price they (and others) are paying is higher than they want to pay. The difficulty is that sometimes the prices we pay for our resistance are difficult to see. Perhaps we resist the recognition our upline is getting or the amount of money they are making because of the work we do. What we might not see is that we are paying prices. Perhaps we are generating people in our downline who then resist our coaching. Or maybe it is the time, energy or creativity that is lost. Or maybe our children see how we are handling it and they grow up to be the same way. That would be an incredible price to pay as a parent.
Make a list: What prices are you paying for the top two things or people that you are resisting.
Non-resistance is not being a doormat or letting yourself be taken advantage of. That doesn't work. How can you not resist and not let yourself be taken advantage of? One of the best analogies is found in martial arts, especially aikido. In most martial arts, they teach how to not resist. Let the attacking force go by you -- in fact, use that force to lay your opponent on the ground.
How does non-resistance work in your business? The same way. Resist objections in your network marketing business and you become a non-performer. Relate to objections as a friend who is helping you enroll this person into your opportunity, and you become a top networker.
How can you protect yourself without resisting?
That brings us to the final R: revenge, or the attempt to get even. The key word in this definition is "attempt." You cannot actually "get even." It's an impossibility. It violates the God-given laws of this world. But how do people attempt to get even, say. at work? To get even in the business world, people slow down, take a longer lunch break than authorized, call in sick (when they aren't). The attempt to get even translates into employee theft, negative gossip and sabotaged work. And in personal relationships? The silent treatment, denial of sex, running up the credit card, not doing our agreed-upon chores, etc. And in your network marketing organization? Perhaps we say negative things to our crossline about our upline. Or we won't edify or build them up. It is repeated a thousand ways.
The key to remember is that the three R's are self-destructive. When you resist or seek revenge, it hurts you. What you put out, you get back. What you sow is what you reap. The way I heard this law on the street was, "What goes around, comes around."
We've all seen and heard it one way or another. How many children do you know who get mad at a parent asserting control and try to get even by getting bad grades? They pay an incredible price for years. Thousands of ex-husbands and -wives have done our workshops and realized how they had been using their own kids to get even with their ex, and they have paid a horrific price.
The key to remember is that the price you pay does not necessarily come back from the same source. Imagine someone is mad at the government for taking too much in taxes. (The first R, resentment.) They procrastinate in filing (the second R, resistance.) Then they attempt to get even by cheating on their income tax (the third R, revenge.) I'm not talking about using legal loop-holes. I am talking cheating by changing the numbers or padding an expense report.
They live to 100 years of age and are never caught. It looks like they got even. But then we find out they have been working their network marketing business really hard and never got the financial success they deserve. They simply were paid back from another source. They took from the government and got paid back in their business.
Solutions for the 3R's
Here are two key solution for when you find yourself in the three R's.
2) open, honest, responsible communication.
These may not be solutions you feel like doing. But why live your life by what you feel like doing in the moment? Let what really matters to you dictate your choices. Besides, the solutions are never comfortable -- as long as you are in the three R's. You want to get even. Giving when you are in resentment is an abnormal response.
When you give something nice, does that mean the person is going to turn around and be nice back? Not necessarily. This is not a manipulative move to try and change the other person. You don't control them.
So why are you giving? In order to handle your own three R's. You don't want yourself or anyone you care for to pay any prices for being in resentment. Suppose you resent someone not giving you the recognition you feel you deserve. If you stay in resentment, you may pay prices such as not being as good in coaching your downline or at prospecting, or your family might pay a price for you being in a poor mood.
The average person gives less when he is in resentment. You don't want an average income, do you? Then learn to be a giving maniac! Give when it is comfortable and when it is uncomfortable. Give when it looks like you will get back and give when it looks like you won't get back. Give when you know the recipient and give to the unknown. Be a giving maniac -- but not to be noble. All nobility is suspect. Give because there is a universal law that says, "What you put out you will get back."
Give to your upline. Buy their lunch. Many distributors go out to lunch or have coffee after a presentation with a top income earner so they can learn from them. That's good. But then they expect the top income earner to pay for it, because, "Hey, they can afford it!" This is getting it backwards. The top income earner is a top income earner because she is a giver! You be a giver, too, and pay for her lunch.
Imagine being in a sleeping bag in a log cabin up in the mountains where it is snowing. Have you ever been so cold that all you had out of the sleeping bag was your nose? Then you realize why it is so cold: there is no fire in the wood stove. All the wood is outside where it's snowing.
So you make a deal with the stove. You tell the stove to warm you up -- and then you will gladly go outside and get the stove some wood.
Ridiculous, you say? You're right. But how often do we live our life that way? "You spend more time with me..." (Stove, warm me up!) "... and I will be more loving or romantic with you." And the other person is going, "No, you be more loving or romantic and I will spend more time with you!"
In the corporate world you hear managers saying, "You work harder and I'll pay you more." The employee is saying, "You pay me more and I'll work harder!" They both have it backwards. In our rush to not be taken advantage of, each is waiting for the stove to give first.
Be a giving maniac. Can you find 100 ways you can give to different people today?
Solution number two is open, honest, responsible communication.
Suppose someone is a half-hour late for an appointment and you are upset. You decide to apply this second solution. It might sound like this: "I feel upset. I feel like you don't respect me when you don't keep your agreements. I am angry." Notice that all the communication is from ownership of your feelings. In saying, "I am," you are owning or being responsible for your feelings.
If you were to say, "You are making me angry," that would be non-responsible. That would be the viewpoint that something outside of you is at cause. Very simply, you openly shared your feelings without assigning the cause to someone else.
This is not easy to do. You may be afraid of the other person's response. Remember, when you do this it's not for the purpose of changing the other person's behavior so that he will now be timely. (That would be nice, but many times the other person will not change.) You are doing it so that you don't hold onto your resentment -- because you don't want to pay the prices involved for your being resentful.
When I was a child, we used to collect S&H green stamps. As you collected these stamps, you would place them in a book; once you'd collected enough you could trade in the filled books for certain awards. It was similar to today's frequent flyer programs.
Many people treat their resentments like S&H green stamps. They don't say anything at the time of the resentment. They don't want to be rude, or they're simply afraid. But they do paste them into the book. Eventually the book is full -- and they cash it in. That's when they blow up, and there can be serious consequences. Release the pressure valve along the way by communicating your feelings, but do it in a responsible way with no blame or shame.
The way you know something is by experiencing it. If you can describe it but haven't actually experienced it, you only know about it. There is a huge difference. To know this topic, actually experience what we are saying through this challenge. Here it is:
Write down the names of two people you have the most resentment towards. Let one of them be connected somehow to your network marketing business. Now, write down how you will give to the first person within a week and how you will openly, honestly, responsibly communicate with the second person.
If you are uncomfortable right now, you are in the right place. Do it anyway. Do not go by your opinion of what is right or what will work. Go by results. Results are the fairest way to gauge anything. Results are often harsh, but always fair. You will feel better! And you will do more business.
Now find someone in your network marketing corporate office and give to them. Some of them will faint! If you don't know what to give them, ask them what they would like.
Become a giving maniac!
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